a cat's thoughts

I couldn’t see it coming, some say… But I did. I saw it coming. And I stood my ground, ready to take on what was approaching. It went right through me and left me to pieces. I instantly forgot I ever had legs to stand on. Sounds, colors, thoughts – it all vanished. The world melted chaotically and my brain didn’t have matter to process anything with anymore.  I hit the ground at one point. I think I did. No breath. No blink. I lost myself in a coma that took me so deep into myself that I would not reach the surface and live a pain I wouldn’t have been able to survive. I don’t know who found me, what they did to me, for how long. Something was reassembling me. There was no point to it, anyway, I was thinking between blackouts. I couldn’t feel where I was beginning from and where I was ending. No point at all… When I was finally able to open my eyes I wanted to roar. I was nothing of what I’ve known before. I was never going to be. And I became enraged, without t...

N-am vazut-o cand a venit…Asa spun unii. Dar eu am vazut-o venind. Si am crezut ca sunt bine inarmata sa joc. A trecut prin mine si m-a spulberat. Am uitat ca am stat vreodata in picioare.  Au disparut sunetele, culorile, ideile. Lumea s-a amestecat  haotic si creierul meu nu mai avea materie cu care sa lucreze. Am lovit pamantul la un moment dat. Cred. N-am respirat, n-am clipit. M-am pierdut intr-o stare de coma ce m-a dus departe, m-a ascuns de durerile pe care nu le-as fi putut suporta constient. Nu stiu cine m-a gasit, ce mi-a facut, cat timp. Ceva ma reasambla. Fara rost, ma gandeam eu in momentele rarefiate de constienta . Nu simteam de unde pana unde durez si unde ma sfarsesc. Cand am deschis ochii, am vrut sa urlu. Nu mai eram ce stiam. Si nu mai aveam ca fiu niciodata. Dar nu aveam forta sa imi urlu furia. Am vrut sa mor, sa ma intorc ca noua. Cerul ma strivea cu prea multa lumina. Eu eram un rebut. Intr-o zi am clipit. Ce natural! Nu trebuia sa reinvatz sa...

Every time I become hurt, there’s this blade inside my mind that cuts through everything in its way. So shiny, so smooth, so silent! So comforting, knowing that I have it and can use it over and over again, to release my soul from any claws thrown my way.   How do you think it is, dancing your pain away, rising still half asleep, pushed back up on your feet, by a power that is never dormant? Today I picked my sword up again. I wish I hadn’t…I wish it were peace…but I felt a wound bleeding from my chest. And it woke me up, lift me up savagely and I reached for my weapon. It felt like I’ve never really let it out of my hand; my fingers curled around the old handle and memories started flooding the back of my eyes. I was so good at handling the sword. Still am.  So I lift it up above my head and started cutting the strings. I do it better when I’m getting a rhythm. So I called for a rhythm. My hands started moving methodically. My body entered a musical state. I w...

I remember the time I wanted to die…, actually, I never forgot. A strange shadow began circling me, something I’ve never encountered before, which left me an acute sensation of familiarity. Like a stranger you’ve known since forever. When I decided to die, the air started having a different scent. The people turned into cardboard silhouettes, interacting mechanically, abruptly, making no sense. Yes, this was the first thing I’ve noticed in the world that was preparing to out me. The nonsense that was surrounding me. I became withdrawn, slowly detaching my being from the pores of my skin, from the fingerprints, from the wrists and joints. My body became a coat that was just too large and I was beginning to stumble. I was so sylphid, so far away locked in the dark, away from the spectacle which was the existence. Any type of existence. I felt like I was having my bags packed for me and was expected to embark on a new journey. I was actually curious about what was about to happen. Wh...

Imi amintesc de zilele in care am vrut sa mor…de fapt, nu am uitat niciodata. S-a cuibarit in spatele meu o umbra stranie, a ceva ce nu intalnisem niciodata pana atunci, dar care mi-a lasat o senzatie acuta de familiar. Ca un strain pe care il cunosti de cand lumea. Cand m-am hotarat sa mor, aerul a inceput sa miroasa altfel. Oamenii s-au transformat treptat in figuri de carton, interactionand mecanic, impiedicat, lipsit de …interes. Da, asta a fost primul lucru pe care l-am observat in lumea care sa pregatea sa ma expulzeze. Lipsa de interes fata de ceea ce ma inconjura. Ma retrasesem in mine, desprinzandu-ma usor de buricele degetelor de la mana, de pori, de incheieturi. Corpul imi ramasese o haina larga si ma impiedicam acum in el.   Eram atat de silfida, incuiata in intuneric, departe de spectacolul oricarui tip de existenta. Simteam ca mi se fac bagajele ca mi se pregateste iesirea. Si eram curioasa de ceea ce avea sa urmeze. Cand voi pleca? Cine imi va tine companie? C...

Stateam de vorba cu un prieten despre evolutia speciei umane si despre tendintele agresive. Despre cum, dupa miliarde de ani de transformari, dupa sute de teorii ale originii, dinamicii si scopului nostru aici si acum, suntem inca la inceput. Inca incapabili sa ne asumam responsabilitatea respiratiei, inca explozivi cand suntem atacati, inca modelati de legea supravieturii, inca raspunzand prompt la nevoile bazale de hrana si adapost. Ai crede ca daca pe talpa rosie a pantofului scrie Louboutin, sufletul nostru s-a cizelat, arhitectura mentala a invatat sa curbeze ideile intr-un design maiestuos. Dar nu, noi suntem inca micile animale paroase, speriate de traznet, alertate de cutremure, disperate sa-si pastreze centimetrul cub de oxigen dinaintea nasului. Umanitatea e la stadiul copilului de doi ani, care vrea ceva si vrea ACUM, care functioneaza dupa regula pedeapsa – recompensa, care are nevoie sa fie dus de mana si invatat unde e voie si unde e “cah”. Intr-un astfel de context,...

Unele relatii nasc scantei. Altele, stele verzi.       “Baietii rai” sunt pretutindeni. Cand eram in liceu, credeam ca vor disparea in anii urmatori, suferind o transformare radicala in…barbati. Cine-a mai auzit de “barbati rai”? Credeam ca baietii rai sunt un fel de masculi alfa, care valideaza femelele cu care intra in relatie (ca sa nu ma rezum la contact). Rezulta: o fata buna este una care umbla cu un baiat rau. Doar ca sirul meu de idei, clisee de altfel, nu mi-a lamurit niciodata ce inseamna un “bad boy”. Trebuia sa aiba freza rasa pe o parte? Sa-si tarasca turul pantalonilor intre genunchi? Sa fumeze? Sa se plimbe cu o chitara electronica pe post de accesoriu? Sa stea in picioare pe spatarul bancii din curtea scolii? Baietii rai au PR bun . Sigur ca stiu ca sunt rai. Au lucrat la asta. Nici nu e greu, avand in vedere ca la varsta liceului esti oricum suparat pe lume, pe parintii conformisti cu vederi limitate, pe directoarea care insista ca iti...

Me: where did you just go? It seems like I never get to have enough of you for myself. You’re constantly getting away. I’m missing you as we speak... Time: I’m always here, you just don’t have the patience for me sometimes… Me: You’re robbing me of my beauty, my youth, my body. You’ll grow tired of me and leave me one day. Time: I’ll never be too tired to be in your life, watch you breathe, grow up, grow old. All the things I bring into your life, whether it’s a smile, or an eye wrinkle, are my gifts to you. My most intimate wish is to make you complete, so that when you’ll go away, you’ll be in peace with all that’s been between us. Me: When I’ll go away, I’m going to miss you. Time: When you’ll go away, you won’t need me anymore. I’ll be the one left behind, having to deal with your disappearance. I’ll be the one missing you. Me: For you, I’m just one glimpse; you couldn’t possibly miss me too much. Time: You’re wrong. When I’m with you, I have me...