Adevarul

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Obisnuiam sa spun ca daca ar fi sa aleg intre a trai in adevar sau a trai in fericire, as alege adevarul. Nimic nu s-a schimbat. L-am cautat cu atata indarjire, incat acum, la aproape 28 de ani, mi-e teama ca sunt foarte aproape de a-l vedea in toata fragezimea lui, plesnindu-ma peste ochi cu vigoarea si sanatatea lui, indepartand cojile miturilor care mi-au tinut de cald atat vreme. Stau in fata unui boboc care inca nu s-a deschis, dar care, tachinandu-ma, face loc irisului meu curios in incaperile lui interioare, lasandu-ma la savurez cate o clipa a ceea ce mi se va infatisa in curand.

Nu stiu cand a inceput calatoria mea. A fost cand am rupt legaturile dintr-o relatie abuziva in care mi-am consumat mai multe resurse emotionale decat credeam ca am? A fost cand am imbratisat cu devotament ideea tatalui meu cum ca nu exista nimic dupa moarte si m-am trezit intr-un paradox care tipa dupa explicatii? A fost cand mi-am dat seama ca mi-e frica de moarte? Sau cand am descoperit ca sunt mai mult decat cred?

Vad lumea altfel decat anul trecut pe vremea asta. Desi, calatoria spre Adevar incepuse deja. Vad ideile generale ale omenirii, limitele in care s-a inscris, ca pe niste scheleti care o fac sa functioneze,; nu ca functia in sine.

Am acceptat ideea de Dumnezeu fara sa o contest. Apoi m-am dezis de el, ca sa vad ce ramane. Fara divinitate, este posibila viata? Acum, Dumnezeu mi-e similar cu Mos Craciun. Doar spiritul lor exista si este intretinut de noi. Suntem deopotriva creatorii divinului pecat este el creatorul nostru. Totul incepe si se sfarseste cu noi la fel cum incepe si se sfarseste cu el. Dumnezeu nici exista nici nu exista. Si oricum, ca exista sau nu, este putin important. Dupa atata ani de bezna – bine intretinuta – in capul meu, am realizat ca ceea ce numim Dumnezeu nu este o fiinta sau o entitate de sine statatoare. Dumnezeu este o relatie. El este intr-o continua formare intre doua idei, doi oameni, doua momente in timp.

Am acceptat ideea de spatiu si timp ca piloni ai vietii fiecaruia dintre noi. Dar viata noastra este toata un prezent, iar spatiul nu are sens decat in interiorul nostru. Ne amintim de prima jucarie primita de la bunici, de prima alinare sau de primul sarut cu aceeasi "claritate". Pe oamenii cunoscuti acum 20 de ani ii tratam ca atunci. Nimic nu se schimba cu adevarat. Eul nostru interior ramane acelasi si la 5 ani si la 80 de ani. Nu avem varsta interioara. Daca viata noastra este ca o linie pe care o gradam in ani si evenimente, privita dintr-o parte ea devine un punct. Si toate evenimentele se suprapun unul peste altul, exact asa cum sunt dispuse in interiorul nostru chiar in aceasta clipa.

Ochii sunt fereastra sufletului – de cate ori nu am auzit asta? A devenit unul dintre cliseele cele mai folosite de catre oamenii care se vor a fi spirituali. Problema este ca sunt doar o fereastra. Bine ferecata. Iti arata realitatea, dar printr-un geam, fara a-ti oferi bucuria de a simti cum miroase adevarul, de gust si ce textura are. De cand ne nastem, intuim, parca, aceasta conectare la adevar, desi scurta si defectuosa, si ne dezvoltam simtul vizual ca pe un necesar al supravietuirii. Dar vai, este ceea ce ne tine in loc! Ne agatam de acea mica fereastra, tot chinuindu-ne sa iesim prin ea. Unii dintre noi, chiar daca observa cu dezamagire ca este prea stramta, raman intemnitati langa ea, de teama ca o vor pierde si pe aceasta daca pornesc in cautarea portii. Desprinderea de fereastra meschina este dureroasa si necesita curaj. Abia atunci plecam in adevarat calatorie.Abia cand spune adio ochilor si suntem pregatiti sa ne infruntam propriile frici devenim cu adevarat NOI insine.

Adevarul nu este vazut, ci simtit. El este prezent in lumea noastra interioara, dezvaluindu-ne lucrurile asa cum sunt. Acolo avem toate raspunsurile. Acolo dispar toate fricile. Acolo devenim ceea ce suntem cu adevarat: nelimitati.

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I used to say that if I were to choose to live in truth or in happiness, I would choose the truth. Nothing changed. I looked for it with such drive that now, at almost 28 years old, I am afraid I am so close to seeing it in all its rawness, slapping my face with its vigor and health, removing the shells of the myths that kept me warm for so many years. I am sitting before a blossom that has not yet opened, but is taunting me by allowing my iris a glimpse of its inner space, so I would enjoy a quick moment of something that will unveil to me soon.

I don’t know when my journey began. Was it when I broke free of an abusive relationship that overused my emotional resources more than I could ever imagine? Was it when I embraced my father’s opinion that God does not exist with so much devotion? Was it when I suddenly realized that I fear death? Or was it when I discovered that I am more than I believed I was?

I see the world differently from the same time last year. Even though my journey towards the Truth had already began. I see the general ideas of humanity as conventions, as skeletons, or basis that allow it to develop, not as the development itself.

I have accepted the idea of God, without questioning it. Then I gave it up, just to see what remains beyond. Without God, is life possible? Now, God is similar to Santa Claus for me. Only their spirits exist and are maintained by us. We are the creators of God as much as he is the creator of us. God neither exists or doesn't exist. And anyway, whether he is or isn’t, is not important. After so many years of darkness – well kept – in my head, I realized that what we call God is not a being or an entity. God is a relationship. He is in a constant forming between two ideas, two people, two moments in time.

I have accepted the ideas of space and time as pylons of everyone’s life. But our lives are all a present time and the space has no sense for our inner being. We remember our first toy received from grandma, our first comforting, or our first kiss as if they were yesterday. We treat people we know for over 20 years now as we used to treat them all the time. Inside, we are the same at 5 years old as we are at 80 years old. We have no inner age. If our life were a line signed with every year or every event, if we were to look at it from another perspective, it would become a dot and the events would be all in the same spot, with the same importance – exactly how they are placed inside you right this moment.

The eyes are the window to the soul – how many times have we heard that? It has become one of the most popular clichés among the people who want to be considered as spiritual. The problem is it’s just a window. Well locked. It shows a reality through a sealed glass, without offering the joy of smelling the truth, of experiencing its taste of texture. From the moment we are born, we sense this low but apparently only connection to the truth and we develop our visual ability as a must for survival. But it is what keeps us stuck. We are glued to that little window, trying desperately to fit through it and get to the other side. Some of us, even if they notice, with big disappointment, that it’s too tight, they remain stuck to it, out of fear. They are terrified that if they go in search for the door they might never find it and lose the window as well. The decision of letting it go is painful and it takes courage to step away from it into the darkness, as all our fears will unveil to us. But it is only when we face the most terrible fear that we are truly free to become ourselves.

The truth is not seen, but felt. It is present in our inner world, unveiling things as they really are. There, we have all the answers. There, all our fears fade away. There, we become what we truly are: unlimited.